Right, so I want a nice Manor House wedding where we can freely move from Ceremony to Reception and my love wants us to get married in a Church and then find a seperate location for the Reception. Neither of us are religious, but he seems stuck on the Church thing. This isn't just a difference of opinion, we are actually arguing about it! I have thought about compromising, but then I get really stuborn and wonder why HE is not thinking about compromising.

Hmmm I hate to randomly jump on your side, but if neither of you are religious, what is his point?

I just can't get married in a Church, I'm athiest. It would feel wrong. How could anyone take my vows to my husband seriously if they knew I was pretending to believe in god?

I'm pretty sure there are alot of references to God in a Church wedding. Everyone there will know how I feel, and therefore it will make the entire ceremony sound bogus.

I wouldn't have my children christened, but I am not against it if they found religion - any religion. I'm not against anyone doing anything religious, it's just not for me. I can totally understand your input because you don't know me and are quite rightly playing devils advocate, but my fiance should know better. If he were religious I would probably play along, but he is not, so why rock the boat?

Thank you for your input cloud nine, it is really good to get an outside input on this.

Yes, there are lots of references to God in a Church wedding. However, what I wanted to point out was that I don't think there are normally any within the vows themselves.

In general, it sounds as though you have probably decided not to marry in Church. However, one comment in particular in your last post caught my eye. You say "If he were religious I would probably play along, but he is not, so why rock the boat?"

Ah! So maybe that is the key! Is it that you could compromise on a Church wedding if your H2B approached the dilemma differently? If he had faith you say you could overcome your other objections or feelings of hypocrisy, so maybe they are not so pivotal. Maybe the real barrier to agreement is that you feel H2B is being stubborn? If any of that is true, or partly true, don't go that way! The more you dig in your heels the more difficult things become because H2B may do the same thing. Press the reset button and talk to your H2B. Say that you want to think afresh on the whole issue if he will do the same. I suspect there is room for compromise - not least because your worries about what your friends and relatives would think seem to disappear if your H2B was religious.

Anyway, if you have finally decided not to marry in Church - really decided after long and careful consideration - then you must have a civil, humanist etc wedding or not get married at all - at least for a while. Many couples live happily without actually tying the knot. These days that does not produce too many problems. Often, somewhat later, both sides mellow and all those strong feelings that got in the way get diluted.

The dilemma you present has no solution that does not involve compromise. If you cannot compromise, your H2B must or there can be no wedding, although I suppose you could get married in a Manor House and then get the marriage blessed in Church! But that too is a compromise.

However, I cannot help feeling that there is an understandable element of "I won't give in!" - perhaps on both sides. If that is the case, I don't think it is a good way forward. Marriage involves endless compromise, adaptation to new situations, and listening. Communication - seeking to really understand the other point of view - is a key skill. Without good communication a marriage is unlikely to survive. Most points of view have at least some merit, and both sides have to see that part of every opinion.

In your position I would sit down and calmly discuss with H2B the the feelings of both sides regarding each of the possible options - Church, civil, humanist etc, delaying the marriage, or living together unmarried. Try to get to an understanding of the real barriers to agreement. Then try to find some compromise.

Compromise when pursuing a greater objective is not a sign of weakness, indeed it is a sign of strength. It takes courage and maturity to compromise.

As I said earlier, life is many shades of grey - rarely black and white

Disagreements can often be resolved by saying less and listening more - on both sides! - and avoiding making demands of each other.

Compromising doesn't mean one side has to give in! It generally means finding something somewhere in the middle. How? Well, could it not be approached by finding a manor house reasonably close to the church so that it is convenient to move between the two - 5 or 10 minutes in a car? I don't know where you are located but I bet it is not that difficult to achieve. A few minutes in a car is not too big a compromise, and getting in and out is also wonderfully photogenic.

Many people who have less than firm religious belief marry in churches. The church environment offers unmatched dignity and, perhaps incidentally, a wonderful atmosphere for photographs. Hypocritical (meaning "two-faced")? Well, that's for you both to decide. However, churches were surely designed to create an appropriately dignified atmosphere and a sense of awe. As far as I understand it, they also welcome those who harbour doubts.

It would be OK for you to say it is your day - because it is - so you could of course do as you wish. However most weddings also bring together a lot of older people many of whom may have faith. Other guests will not have faith but still attend church weddings without feeling hypocritical. You might want to consider democratically what the majority of your guests might prefer, and let that influence your plans at least a little.

I understand your dilemma - but life often turns up situations like this.

I don't think traditional/legal wedding vows make any reference to God. Your vows are made to your husband/wife. Whether one can be hypocritical by marrying in Church as an atheist/agnostic, I am not sure. If you don't believe in God, does it matter that you make your vows "before God"? However, a vicar might not marry you if you stated that you were an atheist.

Such dilemmas can follow through in to later life. Would you have your children Christened? They might grow up as believers and want to marry in Church.

Sometimes there are no right answers - you just have to do you best and get on with your life. "Life" and "compromise" are almost the same thing!