Second Thoughts

emily1 · Joined: 25 Aug 2004 Posts: 4

It has taken me 2 hours to pluck up the courage to write this post. I am having serious second thoughts. Its not last minute nerves because the wedding isn't until next May. My chappy and I have been together for 6 years. We have 2 children and to be honest its all very mundane. I think we are only getting married because we have nothing better to do and nothing to look forward to. He is a lovely man and a wonderful dad. I have no reason to complain except that I am terribly bored. I don't know what I expect from life or from a man.. but something niggling inside says its more than this.

So what are my alternatives. Delay the wedding? how will I explain why. Finish it? were a happy family unit why break that up on what is just a feeling in my water. Try to recapture the first flush of love? I have really put effort into our relationship and trying to kick start it, but I have lost that spark and i feel he has too.

I feel quite depressed at the thought of marrying him, but more depressed at the idea of loosing him!!!!! What the hell is going on? I can't ask friends or famiy because I don't want them to worry about it, or tell someone and have whispers at the wedding. What can I do?

tabbycat · Joined: 09 Jul 2004 Posts: 12

my goodness you poor thing. Please don't be afraid to post your messages here. I have been reading the postings for some time and everyone is understanding and supportive. I get the feeling you needed to vent your feelings rather than be given advice. I can assure you we are listening to you and please come back again to get it out of your system. From my point of view had marriage not been involved then you would have carried on as you have been doing without much thought. Marriage provokes thought, its a good thing - it is supposed to. Think about the big picture is it really your man that is making you feel bored or simply your lifestyle. You have said he is a good man, there is alot to be said for that. Perhaps because you have children and run a house you dont have much time for yourself. If this is the case what you need to do is make yourself more interesting, get out more, learn something, take up something new. You might find that if you have more things to talk about and share with your man that things might pick up. Also encourage him to take up an individual activity. Please let us know your thoughts

Jo

Nadine · Joined: 26 Aug 2004 Posts: 4

I think that you should confide in somebody that knows you more personally. I hope it all works out for you and you find the answers you are looking for

mish · Joined: 12 Sep 2004 Posts: 9

Hi Emily. Marriage is supposed to be thought provoking. too many people think of marriage as a day of celebration rather than a life choice. So in many ways your marriage is more likely to last rather than those who just think of what their pictures will look like.

everybody loses the first flushes of passion at some time or other and a FAMILY is more responsible than the first flush of love as you put it. it is also more rewarding. You said you have been trying to kick start your relationship with your partner. this might not be working because it is conciously laboured. just try spending some time with him away from the children without talking about the children or what room needs decorating. You sound like a lovely family i am sure you will work it out

becki · Joined: 12 Jul 2004 Posts: 2

I agree with mish, you sound like you have a gr8 man there and just because he hasn't sprung out of a Mills & Boon does not make him not the one for you. The question is do you love him?

Andi · Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 45

That really is the only thing you never said in your statement .... if you love him ..... do you? If you do then anything is possible. If you don't you really do need to take action Crying or Very sad

Jamie · Joined: 09 Aug 2004 Posts: 6

yes it truly is the only thing that matters

browney · Joined: 12 Jul 2004 Posts: 15

To love him is one thing and very nice, but I think you need to be 'IN LOVE' with him to make a marriage last

titianmac · Joined: 06 Aug 2004 Posts: 137 Location: Derby

I have to agree with Browney on this one, its easy to love someone, but you need to be inlove with them for it to work.
My Ex realised he wasnt in love with me when he thought he was in love with someone else. We still loved each other but it wasn't enough.

I hope things are okay with you now Emily1? Haven't seen you posting... Theres no denying you're in a nightmare but you've taken the first step by admitting you're not happy. The question is have you worked out how to fix that yet?if it needs fixing even... Good luck chick and remember we're all strangers and thats how it stays so you're safe to let off steam whenever you want without being judged- but equally im sure i speak for all of us in saying we're friends too and friends care. x

emily1 · Joined: 25 Aug 2004 Posts: 4

I have been reading the posts but have wanted to think about it before I replied.

I don't know if i am IN LOVE with him. its just so mundane that I feel I don't even know what being in love is anymore.

He is like a brother to me, and you have all concluded that - that is not enough. So what do I do. I can't tell my kids that mummy isn't going to marry daddy because he dosent make her earth move anymore

What the hell do you do when you are not in love with someone anymore but you think you SHOULD be with them?

I am so stuck right now. Thank you all so much though, it has been lovely to see that others are really trying to get your head together when you cant do it on your own. People slag off the internet because of chat lines etc, but I have found this to be a very supportive network. Thank you again

browney · Joined: 12 Jul 2004 Posts: 15

In that case I really do think you have to put off the wedding for the time being. I don't kmow what your excuse should be but honesty is the best policy. If you are saying that you think he feels the same way then maybe he has been thinking the same thing. At least if this is all brought out to the open then you might have a chance to sit and talk about it. I lived with someone for years before i met H2B and although he was a great guy it was just not right, in the end we finished (obviously) under good terms, admittedly we never had children but in hindsight I think even if we had it was time to call it a day.

I really do wish you all the best and hope that you make a decision that is right for you. Remember we are only going on what we have seen here and we don't know the full story. Like titianmac said we are all annonymous enough to be strangers but close enough to be friends Very Happy

Dlargey · Joined: 01 Aug 2004 Posts: 7

I really feel for you hun this cannot be an easy time for you. I really don't know what to say or advise but just wanted you to know that i have my fingers crossed that everything will work out for you

Louise · Joined: 27 Aug 2004 Posts: 112

How u doin emily1? we haven't forgot about you, hoping you are ok babes, let us know we are here for you Smile

Marge_Simpson · Joined: 16 Sep 2004 Posts: 9

Yes I am with louise. if u need personal contact email me. I understand you completely